so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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