He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
