Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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