I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
