i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
