I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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