dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
this will be a night to untag.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Randomize
