I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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