I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
