Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
