Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
People in love make me want to vomit
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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