i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
