I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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