I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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