anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
