this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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