I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
