i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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