Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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