I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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