Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
