Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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