i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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