I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
