I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
