It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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