hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize