Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
