She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
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