my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
