you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
