i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
