i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
