I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
