I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
