I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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