1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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