true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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