I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It all started with a game of naked twister.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
