I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
