Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
