A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
