just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
