Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
