dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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