I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
