i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
