Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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