Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
