Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
