Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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