Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm sobbing to NWA
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
