i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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