Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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