There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
