im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize